Help me Knock Out PD by getting a shirt

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How do we live with the what-ifs and the if-onlys of our CHildren taken before Us?

at Carol's wedding 8/21/12

Five years now (Feb 27,2018) and it seems like 50 to me.  Five years ago our only child died.  Since then I have lived a life of "What- if's and If-onlys."  My inner most being still cries out with messy questions (those that can never really be answered) like of :  If-only ...she  did not die 5 years ago?  what-if ...this...what-if that??? plus a hundred more questions...some asked over and over... how are we supposed to live ???? without her.???  At times I feel like I am drowning in a sea of questions ...of what-if' and if-onlys

And there have been many times the questions continued with a more intense desire for answers than I could understand. I have raised my hand and banged it on the table as ..I just.... let GOD... have it:  "YOU, yeah you GOD, you have no right ....to take my child with or without my permission!"  I can be pretty bold at times...not that it helps any because GOD gently reminds me....
with or without His permission or His act of creation, none of us would be here...I would not have had Carol..maybe I would be the momma to some one else with a great personality and abilities like she had, but they would not have been her.  Isn't that so weird to think about??? But I know this, she or he?? would have been loved just the same!

 Carol was an amazing light in my world.  She was well known for her smile that covered her face almost all the time. You have heard of someone lighting up a room with their smile.?  That was what Carol would do!  And what that light means and meant to others, I know will add up to be more than I could ever imagine. I am constantly thinking about what life would be like if she were still here.  I know she would be content with her life, and she would still be smiling.  So when of think of her life and many of her escapades I can smile too!  And hopefully I can continue Carol's life-gift with the same passion she did!

 So I choose to cherish every second in memories of thankfulness and I try to recount and share with others.   At age 19, Carol's  light here on earth was  snuffed out without warning to join the heavenly host to sing God's glory to all  creation {with numerous choruses of praise, adoration and revelation's song}.  And here is no place I would rather her be at than in heaven!

I am not sure I  know what to do without her, even after 5 long years of missing her.  And the only way I can find to keep her legacy alive is to write about her.  Some have asked me if i have stopped writing, to which I usually reply "No, i'm just waiting on my latest inspiration. "  My inspiration today is that in a weeks time we will face the loss of her on Feb.27 ...but we will not face it alone. One thing that always seems to happen around this time is  that I am reminded that my loss is significant, and at times seems overwhelming, but I know I am not alone.

First of all, GOD will be with me.  He will remind me that Carol sends me much love and that she is doing well.  He will remind me that she lived her life here abundantly because she knew well, those that loved her. And even though I cannot hold hernow, He will keep her safe for all eternity! And that is a promise I cling to.

Second, I have met many mommas who have never even gotten to share life outside of the womb with their children.  It breaks my heart every time I hear their story. I have met them, and take hope in the journey that their little one will  have with God for all time.  And other mommas who had such a short time to love and cherish their little ones.  We ask about God's time and rational for taking them to heaven? Well... we can never understand..maybe, at just the right time God will reveal his plan for all our lives (those who live with and without loved ones). And how we respond to this revelation will be something to benefit not just us but many who are living without God's love in their hearts.

And I have met many who have loved and lost a child at different ages, and some of them know without God's great promises there is no way they can make it through the tragedy of losing a beloved child.  God promises to grant us an abundant life on earth if we believe in  the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus, and what significance it has for us now and for all of eternity.

So here are some  questions I think Carol might ask of us:
In your life, What -if ...there was no way of obtaining God's great love?
                                  ...there was no way to spend eternity with God?
                                 .....God did not keep His promises?
              .           ... God was only available when He thought we needed to ask                                   Him things?
                             ...God could not understand our pain and offered no love, no             protection, no mercy or grace.?
And then I think Carol would ask us to make out a list of the most important people in our lives.  Look at it.  If God isn't at the top then all the others underneath will just always be shifting.  But if you put God first in all your life's activities, then the names below God's will arrange themselves in perfect order!  And many of our 'what-if's' and 'if-only' questions would become much less important to solve in our lives!

We need to realize that God is holding all our children close and showering us with love and grace.  But most of all we can find hope in God's plan for our lives and this gift we have been  given, we should then share it with others!

Thank you God for the hope in Jesus and for your promise of Heaven being in our  grasp and  we will see our children again.

Judy Hensley
feb 2018