Hope, Love , Loss in 2017

Today's thoughts were spawned by message from a friend of one of her friends enduring the loss of a 16 year old daughter.  It made me think of others I know that have or are going through great loss of a child and my own loss in the death of my daughter, Carol.

My friend Kari, who knows of our journey of losing our only child, Carol at the age of 19, sent me a message about some friends of hers in Texas who were burying their 16 year old daughter.  She noted some similarities to their daughter's and my daughter's life including a common interest in sports and had the same basketball jersey number 22; they both died suddenly; they both went to small private schools; and they both loved the Lord and both had amazing personalities. Another thing I noticed as I listened to this young woman's "Celebration of Life" online was that she and Carol had the same middle name, Michelle.  Her parents had been married for 30+ years and were strong Christians who acknowledged the power of prayers offered  up for them in the wake of Ally's death.  They are calling the time that Ally lived as #Allyslegacy.

I am sure many who attended Ally's wake struggled with words of comfort to this family.  Why?  Because we don't experience this in our lives very often.  The death of a young person. Statistics from the CDC in 2014 , indicate that   the number of teenagers who died in 2014  in the US (ages 10-19 years old) who died of all causes  was 12,480.  The total number of deaths in 2014 in the US was 2,626,000.   That is 0.5%.  Doesn't sound like a lot when expressed as a percentage, but each single one of  these young people's lives was and is still held in the loving hands of God, the Creator of all life.(in Psalm 139 --God numbers our days before we are born)  

And as a believer in Jesus Christ I know that He is much bigger than our doubt, our concern, our worry, and it doesn't matter if our loss was sudden, unexpected, or anticipated over time.  God is still in control and He understands our pain at this time. He give us His Holy Spirit to dwell in us and that spirit will pray for us when we have no words to pray.  I have felt the prayers of such when Carol died.  Many who came to pay their respects just held our hand or hugged us without saying a word, but I felt a peace with each spirit- prayer I knew they had for us.

 The death of our daughter at age 19 was tragic and unexpected.  No one has ever asked me what it felt like when Carol died and what the ensuing days were like.  I think if someone wanted to know, I would tell them this:  I can only describe it AS IF someone walked by you and punched you so hard in the chest that.... your breath would be taken away and your heart would feel like it was never going to start beating again. Your legs get weak and you fall to the ground by the surprise and suddenness of it all.  And then if that were not enough, about the time you catch your breath, each new thing  that you must deal with about your loss feels like there are hands tightening around your neck and that suffocating feeling creeps up and you just wish you could die too. The torture to your system does not kill you but leaves an aching that you feel every single day, for the rest of your life.  

I don't know how people could even survive this loss without the mercy and grace of God.  He promises to never leave us alone in any situation.  He promises that good will come from tragedy if you will just wait, be calm and listen, and keep the faith in His goodness.  He gave our children to us as a great gift and said "Do your best for a little while."  Our children are a shared treasure, but ultimately they are the Creator's to know, to love, and nurture for the rest of eternity. And He gives us the greatest promise that I cling to .., WE WILL  share all of time with them in His presence if we believe in all He has done for us.  

As I sat and grieved for this family, I thought of others I know whose lives have been  touched by other losses of their children.  I have a dear fried whose daughter is estranged from her and will not communicate with her in any way.  This mom grieves for the loss of her child's friendship, happiness, and and for her daughter's seemingly insensitivity for all that has been done for her by many.  All the while, this mom knows she has been truly blessed.  I am sure she has asked a thousand "whys?" and  "What can I do to have a restored relationship with my daughter?" This mother may or may have not seen or realized this 'disconnect" coming in her life.  But because she has faith, she holds to the hope for their relationship to be restored.

Some other families I know have had a drastic life change when their child suffered a traumatic injury or illness.  It was sudden, and now their child is re-learning many tasks and  their families 
rejoice at each milestone, whether big or small.  These families have more patience than I think I could ever have.  They are confident in a hope that their miracle is in the future someday, and that their child's being and life will be restored if not completely then to a "new normal" for which they will be joyous.

Still others I know are watching a child deteriorate and nothing in the power of men can change things.   Their hope is that God will allow healing.  I cannot fathom the patience they have except they lean on each other and know that God is infinately good in all aspects of their lives.  



If you know of someone  whose life has been shattered by loss of a young person,  say a prayer for them, and keep praying for them.  Ask them out for a cup of coffee or to some activity to that might help reduce their stress and encourage them.  It may seem hard but don't be afraid to speak of the one they hold dear and have lost or are waiting on their child's return.   The best time I have  spent with a friend was one in which they asked "Tell me about Carol" and it was the best because I felt alive again...because  I have this HOPE:

 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.    this verse we had placed on Carol's gravemarker:  Romans 8:38-39
  
And one last thing....give your child/children a hug and as much love as your heart can give up each time you can, because we are not promised tomorrow.  Make moments into memories and always remember they are ours for just  a little while, and eternity is forever on the other side of this day.
 LOVE, 
Judy
27 Feb 2017

POEM The Day Carol was Born (A recollection on her 23rd Birthday)

For Carol's 23rd birthday: And a short explanation: When Carol was little and she could not get to sleep, she would ask me to tell her "About the day I was born":. So here is a lttle bit of the story...maybe it will work, on you too...putting you to sleep, i mean.

The Day You Were Born : Carol MIchelle Hensley..

Twenty three years ago on this day,
It was a beautiful fall day and we were so excited
To meet our new, first and only little Baby Hensley
And we’d get to finally know if you were a boy or a girl!

It all started when I awoke early on OCT 28, 1993 and wondered
If this was to be the day that you would come to stay??!!
When my water broke I told your Daddy to call the nurse
And ask if we needed to report to the hospital
They said “Yes, you might have a baby in your arms by days end!

Daddy was calm driving to the hospital
It helped that traffic was light at the time of 4 a.m!

At the hospital they got me all comfy
And hooked me and you up with lots of wiring
To monitors designed to tell them all sorts of things.
When I started having some discomfort
they asked if I wanted “the good drug?”
The one that would make me not feel a thing.
I responded : “YES, PLEASE, HURRY, Give that “ good drug” to me!!!!
That lasted well until they said I needed to start “pushing”
So I did until you decided to make your debut….
I was getting tired and it was late, when you finally decided to cooperate,
And you were born at 10:47pm  on 10/28, 1993!



A beautiful baby girl whom we named Carol Michelle Hensley,
Arriving at 8 pounds even and 20 and a half inches long
with a lil bit of hair and amazing green eyes.

This bundle of love we would get to know well in 19 years.
We tried our best…. to raise and love you well,
And then Cooper took that over.
And then we dreamed new dreams for both of you!.

Things did not turn out how we would have liked
Because you died suddenly …and way to young ..living just 19 years.

But we place our hope and faith in this thought.
Today, we know… you are so happy in your heavenly home
And we cannot wait to see you again
Surely God will not make us wait too long!


So today as your mom, I choose to remember with great pride
The lovely life you lived,
your heart that you had for others,
And one of many things thing I miss so bad… your sweet smile

And I know that our girl’s spirit is not dead,

But instead….. is… so very alive!


I will always love you, my Carol girl!
Give everyone a hug up in heaven from me,

Mom

Judy Hensley 10/28/2016

Daddy's 78th birthday (a month late)

I thought I would tell you about my Daddy today, since it is his birthday.  He is 78 (or so he says).  He gets along pretty good, but you can tell he is slowing down.  Of course most people would be complaining like crazy, but Dad doesn't like to bring attention to himself.

He still holds down the fort on Pactolas Road by himself.  He did give me a scare the other day when I stopped by his house.  Both vehicles were there, but no answer by him on the cell or home phone.  And the lights in front of the house where off and it was 4 pm.  I went to the neighbors house to ask if she had seen Daddy out that day, and she said "no".  She promptly headed out her door and around the back making sure I stayed in the front yard.  In just a few seconds she had found him in his 'cave' aka known as "the place of tomatoes."  There he keeps as many tomatoes for as long as he can along with  other sundry items stored there (some of which we were told not to tell Momma about!).  Mom only ventured down in the basement when no one else was there togo get something she needed.

When we found him in the basement amongst his tomatoes, he said he was "making ice cream for my own party and listening to the radio,"  And he had his cell phone on vibrate!.   I had called Karen to alert her and she was coming right over.  I was so glad to tell her we found daddy downstairs and she did not have to come.  Jim Good was gonna make it to his birthday party after all!


You know something?  Daddy really deserves the admiration so many people have for him.  He is kind, caring,  and doesn't know a stranger.  As far as being kind,  he is kind in the most unusual ways; he enjoys giving others tomatoes or apples  from  the market.  He also will make some homemade ice cream whenever Karen asks him to do  so. He has even made ice cream in January just for Karen's birthday! He doesn't crank the ice cream  by hand but he whips up some really good plain vanilla ice cream most times.  He has botched a few batches  of late when he wasn't sure if he put in  all of the  ingredients.  We forgave him and told him every one is allow to goof up a batch every now and then.

 It has bothered me for years that my dad worked shift work for years and missed many band concerts and sport events, but I realized that was his way of caring for his family. He worked hard and long at Eastman and raising tobacco to fund our Christmases and vacation for many years.  He even tried his hand at college on the GI bill just so we could go to Florida/Disney World one year..  Turns out that algebra and Daddy just never did click.

And the other thing I admire Daddy for is the way he honored his parents and took such good care of mom when she had cancer.  He also lost a good friend to cancer too--Ken Sells.  He and Daddy were a hoot, and I do believe he was one of Dad's dearest friends.  In fact Ken's youngest daughter, Kim has the same birthday as Daddy.  She saw our selfie we took at his party at Karen and Steve's home and Daddy said she called him to wish him a Happy Birthday!   It really did make his day, he told me.  Thank you Kim!

So here this is...getting finish a month after his birthday.  Since then he has had an implant put in his back to help with the pain he has down his leg and is doing well with it!  I told him that we would give them fits on an airplane if both of us traveled together now (since I have brain implants).  I would like to tell him "Daddy you are the BEST!!!!", and "I hope this coming year brings lots of good things your way!"

If you happen to run into Jim Good, mention that you read about him on the internet.  His reply will most likely be "What did Judy or Karen write about me now?"  He really likes it, I think...getting some attention, so we will oblige him!  Love you Daddy!

Judy 10/26/16